AWARENESS

Happy New Year 2012!

In my last post (of waaay too long ago), I talked a little about unwanted emotional reactions to others and to events.  I expressed my belief that letting go of these reactions starts with the true desire to release them.  I also referred to an internal evolution that can lead one to become far less reactive in the first place.

In my work with clients I make extensive use of both behavioral style and personality type tools.  The “types” defined by these tools have typical behaviors, attitudes, patterns, and even physiological responses associated with them.  Nobody likes to be classified as a “type” and put in a box, so these tools are just a place to start.   I work with the client to synthesize a description for their unique self from among the behaviors, attitudes, and patterns typical of their “type”.   Nevertheless, the client is always able to see many of their own behaviors, attitudes, patterns, and physiological responses reflected back to them by these tools.  This gives them a starting point for awareness.  Once aware of something that they see as true about themselves, they can ask themselves a number of interesting questions, such as:

Do I see this (behavior, attitude, etc.) as so much an intrinsic part of me that I cannot ever imagine letting it go?

How do I see this (behavior, attitude, etc.) as protecting me?

Do I see this (behavior, attitude, etc.) as part of the “best me”, or as part of a “me” that I would like to release?

What might I try to do differently that would achieve a more desirable result?

(Actually, as the coach, I am the one usually asking these questions at first!  But it is part of my process to teach the client how to get into the habit of asking these types of questions of themselves, so that self-coaching, will become a life-long tool.)

For many clients most of their personal set of behaviors, attitudes, etc. are so natural as to be unconscious to them most of the time.   My work with them includes discovering practices that will help them catch themselves “in the act” of an ingrained pattern. Cultivating a habit of becoming aware is not always easy and not always quick, but is an essential part of the work if change is desired.

Here is just one example to illuminate the above process,  generalized to protect confidentiality:

One client self-typed very strongly in one quadrant of a behavior style tool.  As part of my work with her, I told her that this style often has the unconscious belief,  “I am less powerful than my environment”.  She thought about her reactions to events that she confronted in her daily life and decided that these reactions could very well be coming from a place of feeling “less powerful”.  These were often things that other people might find so trivial, that they wouldn’t even think of them as a barrier.  But for this person, they were.  I suggested that she try the simple act of self-talk – “I am more powerful than my environment” – when confronted with these barriers.  She was so excited the first time she tried this little trick, and it worked!  It is now 10 years later, and I still hear from this former client from time to time about how she has been more powerful than her environment – and over the years the obstacles she has surmounted have gotten much bigger and more complex.

(As an aside, there is another quadrant in this behavior tool whose unconscious belief is : “I am more powerful than my environment”.  A number of the clients I have worked with have had to learn that this belief does not serve them in every circumstance.  This type can end up making themselves angry and frustrated, or worse, making enemies, when he/she persists in beating their head against the wall in their belief that,  if only they exert their power long enough, they will succeed.)

Well, enough for today!  See you next time…

Is it working for you?

What does it feel like when all is right in your world?  When you are happy, content, satisfied, energized, at peace?  Contrast this with what it feels like when you are angry, sad, frustrated, worried, impatient, upset, envious, anxious.   What is so interesting about the latter states is how determined people often are to hold on to them!  “Oh, no!”,  you protest, “it’s not me.  I’m not holding on to it.  Someone (or something) is MAKING me feel this way.”

Oh, really?…  So sorry.  It doesn’t actually work that way.

Often, the reason the emotional state persists it that it IS working for you.  One way it sometimes works is by giving you an excuse to continue staying snug in your comfortable little ego box.  It’s a lot easier to continue to stay angry or sad or whatever it is, than to do the work of seeing where, within you, something might shift.

Here is good place to start with this:  The next time you catch yourself in the midst of an emotion that you claim you do not want, ask yourself “how is this working for me?”  If you are honest in the answer to yourself, you might see some surprising things.  When you can see how that emotion is protecting the “you at this moment”, you can start to see how your mindset might shift to allow the “you of the next moment”.

Then you can ask yourself  “Am I ready to let this go?”  When you can answer “yes”, there  are a variety of techniques that you can try to let it go.  One of the simplest is just to sit still and breathe into that emotion, and let it release out with every exhaled breath.

After a time of practicing this process of letting go, another shift often arises naturally – being non-reactive in the first place.  Events, people, situations that once catalyzed an unwanted emotion now produce no reaction.  The stimulus rolls past.  But that is a topic for some other time.

To blog or not to blog?

It’s been over a year since my last blog entry!  Well I suppose that speaks volumes to the importance of the virtual world in my life.  Or more  specifically, to  my sense that the  vast proliferation of stuff that people cast out into the world through blogs, facebook, twitter and the like adds little that is of enduring value.  So where is the value in these media? 

Well, one obvious aspect is the entertainment value.  I do find several of the online media I follow to be entertaining.  To each one’s own about how much virtual entertainment (adding the huge world of video games, TV, etc.) one wants (needs?) in a day.  Yet I am amazed at some of the reports I’ve read about the number of hours people devote to these things.  What are you NOT doing with your life with the time you are devoting to the unreal world?

Another obvious positive  value to some media is the ability to create and maintain connections with others.  In this regard, the social media (like facebook) can be much more efficient at maintaining connections than individual contact.  By this point in my life, there really are quite a few people about whom I feel especially warm and fuzzy.  I enjoy seeing little bits of news about their lives and adventures.

In my own (infrequent) contributions to Facebook, I try to be combine both values above – writing something that will be both entertaining to others and/or that will deepen people’s connection to me. 

As to this blog, my own goal is to add a third dimension to the entertainment/connection equation:  enrichment.  I’m trying to put, into a few words, ideas that might impact the reader’s life in a positive way.  This isn’t meant to be a grandiose goal.  It’s just that I believe that even the tiniest shift in the way one sees the world, and themselves, can ultimately have a big impact.  Maybe some words written down here will catalyze that tiny shift for someone.

Where do these ideas come from?

In this entry, I would like to acknowledge that much of what I write about here has been absorbed over the years from others.  I have had several teachers and have been highly influenced by the sages whose wisdom has been recorded in books and other media.   I write about my own observations of clients and the world,  and some of the ideas I present may even be  “original” (if there really is such a thing).  Yet, most of the foundation of the ideas I express in this blog comes from the wisdom of others.  Because it is presented here in a highly synthesized and condensed fashion, there is no way to give proper “credit” to any individual. 

Here then, is a very short list of some of the masters who have influenced me:  D.T Suzuki, Thich Nhat Hanh, Alan Watts and others in their works on Zen thought; ancient classics such as the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tsu and the words of Jesus; modern teachers such as Baba Ram Dass, Don Miguel Ruiz, Eckhart Tolle,  A.H. Almass, and Ammachi.  And I have a special debt of gratitude to my teachers Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson,  and to Adyashanti.

What has been an interesting shift for me is in the shift between learning and knowing, between taking in and resonating with the truth.   I first became interested (at about the age of 14) in a erecting a spiritual framework to my life, as an escape from the fear of eventual annihilation.  It would be a long and undoubtedly boring story to try to recount the journey that I’ve been on between that now and this now.  Suffice it to say that the existential fear is gone and what remains is joy.  Somewhere along the way there was a discernable shift about “knowledge”.  Before the shift I was absorbing ideas from others with my brain, and internally debating various points of knowledge.  After the shift, well, that is harder to describe.  Now when I read new books or listen to teachers, it’s more like a recognition, a resonance.  Truth just “is”, and it can be seen anywhere.  Everybody is saying the same thing.  It’s all just facets and embellishments.

So if you have a curiosity about these things, and you haven’t yet done any exploration of them… start anywhere. Pick up a book or a CD  or download something from the internet from any of the above teachers, or numerous others.  One thing leads to another and the ride is a blast.

Authenticity

As I mentioned above, a frequent block for clients wanting something different in their lives is a fear of change.  This is often expressed as understanding that although there are aspects of who they are that are not useful to their getting what they want from life, for the most part, they like themselves the way they are.  They do not want to lose all the unique aspects that make up the “me”.  This is also tied up in a strong distaste for the idea of doing things differently and then feeling “phony”.  I’ll talk about not losing the “me” next time, but for today, I’d like to discuss authenticity.

Phoniness is an interesting barrier in the coaching process.  Truly it is wonderful to be authentic, that is, to have your exterior behaviors and attitudes reflect what you are thinking and feeling on the interior.  Some people are deliberately incongruent between the exterior and interior to serve their own purposes.   They can be quite expert at giving the appearance of being genuine when they are not.  How sad to live a life like that!  But most folks are uneasy when they are not being genuine, as they sense (rightfully so) that others can perceive this uneasiness and know that they are being a “phony”.

The dilemma arises when clients are asked to try new behaviors as a means to making  a transition away from old behaviors that are barriers to their goals.  Few clients lack the will to try the change.  The barrier comes because, before the new behavior feels natural, it feels phony.  The key to get through this awkward period is to remember that where you are being true and authentic is in the desire to change to a new way of being.  You are being genuine in your learning.   When you learned to drive a car, or ride a bike, or ski a steep slope, there was a period of learning when your actions were not natural.  They were being practiced, and you were not in a comfort zone.  But you would not have labelled yourself a phony for being awkward.  Just so, when you are changing a behavior, you do not feel natural.  But just as you attained mastery in driving your car, you will eventually feel comfortable and authentic in new behaviors.  After a while, you won’t be “doing” them any more, they will be coming out of you because they will now be you.

Change

The most consistent questions I get from clients when we first start working together are about change. 

The first questions take the form: “Do you believe it is really possible for people to change?”   The second type of question is about fear of change:  “if I change will I still be ME?  I don’t want to lose ME”.  Today I’ll write about the first question – “Can people change?”

Often this question arises because some behavior or attitude that clients have is blocking them from what they want – advancement at work, good relationships, happiness.  They can recognize it, they feel they would like to change this “thing” about themselves, but they seem almost to despair that it is possible.  They are stuck in the mindset that “people never really change”.  They feel themselves as fixed in “who they are” and truly cannot imagine how they could ever be different.

My answer to these clients is a resounding, complete and absolute  “Yes!”  People can and do change all the time.  I have seen the process of positive change at work in my clients, and in myself,  time and time again.   Change has been a constant, conscious process of my adult life, an evolution of self that has brought more and more joy to my life.  Initially, the change process was difficult and slow, and seemed like work.  Now, the practices that catalyze the changes operate so naturally that change seems effortless.   In fact,  it sometimes seems to me that I can experience a major shift from one day to the next.

And yet, I’m still indisputably “me”. 

I’ll have more to say about fears of losing the “me” and the process for change in future writings.

Happiness

Are you a happy person?  What does the word mean to you? 

I believe that true happiness is available to everyone.  This doesn’t mean that you go around grinning and blissed out every minute of every day.  It’s about an internal state of being that is with you and sustains you even through great hardship.  Most often, it is our internal mindset, and not external circumstances, that controls our perception of personal happiness. 

Perhaps you have a nagging sense that true happiness is missing from your life, even though you are mentally normal and have no major problems in life to complain about.  This can be a great issue to explore with a coach.   I will help you discover the unique personality barriers that stand in the way of your happiness.

One book on this topic that I recommend is “How we choose to be happy: the 9 choices of extremely happy people” by Rick Foster & Greg Hicks.  This book is a great place to start in an exploration of personal happiness.

Phyllis Ponte & Lucid Coaching

Welcome to the blog space for Phyllis Ponte.  I plan to use this space to periodically present ideas and resources that I have found useful in my own life.   Often this will take the form of questions which you may find interesting to pose to yourself.

 

I would enjoy hearing your comments.

 

While you are here, please take a moment to explore the pages outlining the work I do as a coach. 

 

Best wishes, Phyl